Lie to me; i promise i’ll believe

Trust has been an issue between us. Not the kind of trust where i think he’s sneaking around, seeing someone else, living a second life – nothing like that. It’s the kind of trust where you can feel that things are being handled, where you believe he’ll follow through with what he’s told you, and not let life, laziness, or apathy keep him from sticking to his word. It’s been one of the, if not THE, biggest obstacle to our D/s. i’ve told him over and over that i just need to be able to trust him.

Here on the eve of our reinvention as a Master and slave, i have stumbled across a lie. It was a well-intentioned lie (there is such a thing), but a clear and intentional lie nonetheless. It seems obvious that we’re not at a place in our relationship where we can reconsider ownership.

And yet…

And yet, i fear that i gave tacit permission to be lied to in this way.

He spent most of this last winter out of work and we were behind in our bills. We were so behind, before he landed his current job in April, that it’s taken us until now to catch up. i thought we were caught up, and that is the crux of the lie. He didn’t want me to worry about a particular commitment. Apparently he had arrangements in place that were acceptable to the person that we owe, but the debt was causing me so much stress that i was truly unhappy about it all the time.

He told me it was paid, and it wasn’t.

It seems so clear cut. And yet, it’s not. At some point during our infinite discussions about money i told him that with my ex i had been kept in the dark about our bills. i told him that i knew (or suspected ) that that my ex lied to me about money and i didn’t care – because it was just such a relief to have it off my plate. i told him that i was exhausted from worrying about our bills. It sucks to worry about something that you’re powerless to change and i have plenty to worry about without that, too.

i all but gave him the blueprint to ease this stress. He says that its not my fault. It was his decision to tell me the ‘kind’ lie, and he feels now that he was wrong to have done it. It seems like my fault to me. At the very least it makes it difficult to lay blame. As a slave i have always struggled with the concept of blame anyway. Who is a slave to cast blame? How does an owned thing lay blame at the feet of it’s Master?

And yet, at this moment, i’m not really owned. We’re pre kick-off, baby. i’m in limbo. i’m just a woman. i’m a woman who wants to be owned by a man who can be trusted to shoulder his responsibilities. Apparently i’m also a woman who would, barring that, rather be living in the land of denial.

But, that’s not fair either. He’s doing the best he can, and he just wanted to take this from my (already overflowing) plate. Goddess knows i gave him some ugly-ass mixed messages about this issue.

Limbo is not where i choose to live. Either things are my business or they are not. If he’s handling it (and he was), then i would rather it NOT be my business. That is where a slave lives, and that is where i want to be. There is no need for the sweet lie when it’s none of your business anyway.

i want to trust him. i also want to be far removed from all the ugly business that my stress won’t have any impact on. Let me trust that you have it under control to my satisfaction – lie to me if necessary.

See? Contrary. Perverse. Told you so.

I’d be the last to help you understand. Are you strong enough to be my man?

i’m still here. i’m still ready for the kick-off.