Just Venting

i know i haven’t blogged in a while. The Boss hasn’t required it of me, and when we’re communicating really well, it doesn’t seem all that necessary anyway. Ya know?

Anyway. i have some stuff on my mind from reading forums on FetLife, and there are some things i just don’t ‘get’ that seem really common.

How can someone be a slave if he or she doesn’t have an owner? The flip side of that would be, how can someone be a Master/Mistress if they don’t own a slave. i can see someone being an ex-slave, or someone who *wants* to be a slave… but you can’t be owned without an owner. i just don’t understand it. Am i missing something here?

Some people want to say they have a slave-heart. Okay. Cool. That still doesn’t make them a slave. i’d like to think i have the makings of a really fine teacher, but i am NOT a teacher (even if i do fulfill that role to my children on an ongoing basis). i’m not credentialed, i haven’t gone to school for it, and i’ve never had a paid job in a classroom. i can have a “teacher’s heart’ all i want, but that doesn’t make me a teacher.

i do understand how people have long distance relationships and call themselves M/s; 24/7 couples. i get that. In their own way – they are those things. Makes sense. i DO NOT believe that those people live what i live. If they have never lived together as Master and slave for a long period of time (more than two years – at minimum) then they don’t understand the dynamic as i know it. It’s a completely different animal. i don’t think those people can give solid advice to people who live together… just like someone who has only ever babysat can’t give advice on how to parent. It’s not the same.

Another thing i don’t ‘get’ is the whole “live it when I can” choice for people who ALSO identify themselves as either Masters or slaves. How can you BE a Master or a slave and only live it SOMETIMES? i don’t get that. i understand that the kink, ritual and pomp of BDSM *has* to be curtailed now and then because we all live in a vanilla world. Got it. That makes perfect sense. However, if *to you* this means that you’re not M/s while you’re going through the ‘nilla motions in life… well i submit to you that you’re not M/s. If you’re just “living it when you can”… that’s more like play-acting. Nothing wrong with play-acting! Why won’t people just say that’s what they are in to if that’s really what they are in to?

So many people are just full of shit. They give out advice, and if you’ve read their profile, and followed any of their posts for a while, you can see that they are deep in a fantasy. They contradict themselves, because its not REAL to them. They can afford to be condescending and dismissive, because they have never LIVED the nitty-gritty, day-to-day service of live-in, long-term, 24/7 M/s. They are ALWAYS ready to serve. Right. Hello fantasy.

i also submit that if you’ve been living together and doing your thing for less than two years… you also don’t have a firm grasp on where i’m coming from. Scientists say that there are love/romance hormones that last, on average, for about two years. MANY relationships do not make it past that two-year mark. At that point, the shine has dimmed and you’re working on real issues without the benefit of those hormones that help you believe his gas-passing is ‘cute’. It’s not hard to serve and to put yourself last when you’re in the honeymoon stage of M/s. i don’t have common ground with another slave until she’s gotten past the shine of OMG THIS IS THE *ONE*!!! and has gotten into the real, hard work of serving and submitting when it’s not fun anymore. i can recall what that’s like, but i’m not there anymore. There is a certain smugness that some of those folks can have (and i am SURE i had at that time in my life, too) that just pisses me off. If i hear *one more time* “well, if it’s hard, then maybe you’re not *really* a slave”. WTF-ever. Give it a couple of years, Sunshine, and then we’ll talk again.

It’s all a growth process. i imagine that in a few years i’ll be looking back at the stage i’m in now and saying “man, what a load of crap”… because we all *do* change just that much (if we’re lucky).

i guess i’m just tired of trying to be PC about everything. i’m tired of seeing people drone on and on about stuff when they are in the BABY stages of M/s (or not even really IN an M/s relationship).

i’m no one to be giving advice. i’m not an expert on anything – not even on myself. i change too often to have a good handle on what i believe to be true. i’m just figuring it out for myself, and what i believe isn’t going to be applicable to anyone but me. i just get annoyed.

/vent

Daily Entry

So i’ve become a slacker, but i’m a Master approved slacker. Thank you, Sir, for letting me have the last couple of nights off blogging while we get reacquainted with GS IV. i’m having a blast playing with you. Its been a long time since i played Gemstone, and even longer since you and i played together.

Today’s been good. i’m tired, but i’m always tired. The diet is going great. Since i upped the calories (as per your instructions) i’ve actually been losing weight. You had me eat more starting on Saturday and since then i’ve lost four pounds! Super exciting.

i’m really enjoying my little workouts, too. i have a work-out playlist that i’m using, and i’ve tweaked it a little each day. It should be perfect soon. Perfect for me anyway.

You’ve been calling me “sweet girl” and it’s a new thing. Man, i really heart it. It puts me right in that space where i WANT to be a sweet girl for you (and a good girl). i have been meaning to ask you what prompted the new nickname. i like it.

The 19 YO didn’t come home last night. i called her today and she told me that she didn’t realize she wouldn’t be making the drive up the mountain until midnight, and she knew i’d be asleep and she was afraid of waking up the boys. She turns 20 tomorrow, so i’m glad she came home this afternoon for work. i’ll make her favorite breakfast and cookies in the morning. She’ll be gone all day and late into the night (IF she comes home at all). She still hasn’t picked a day this weekend for her b-day dinner, cake, etc. You know how she is.

The 17yo is doing better since i mentioned her attitude. Thank goodness.

The baby is still teething. Or channeling satan. i’m not sure which.

The 2yo is being a darling, though. He’s so sweet. Makes me certain there is hope for his brother.

My dad is… my dad. You know that thing he does, where he kinda hollers as he enters a room? i found out today that he’s trying to scare us when he does that. i told him it wasn’t working. He’s an odd, odd dude.

My best today was playing GS, and my worst was the baby not napping this afternoon. He needed it, and he was sooooo grumpy and sooooo miserable.

Tomorrow: Breakfast and cookie making in the morning for the *20*yo. The 17yo has school, and so does the 20yo. You come home! WoOt! i have some organizational stuff to do, vacuuming all the floors, changing our bedding, and a few little things. i need to make a menu and a shopping list, too. On whatever day she picks, the b-day girl wants lasagna for her dinner. i promised her deviled eggs and a cake bought by her little brother (’cause the 2yo wants to get her some berfday cake BADLY)

i think that’s it! i hope this lame little entry qualifies. i think it covered everything you want. i adore you. i cant wait for tomorrow night. i miss you so much.

The Power of Focused Intent (or what i learned at the MAsT meeting)

Two missed daily entries in the month of September! It’s only the first week, too. Hee. Maybe the Boss is planning to get slack with me (kidding).

Since i was allowed to go to bed last night (okay – who am i kidding. i was passed out, drooling, on the couch by 9:30 PM) without a journal entry, i figured i’d take some free time and blog the things that are on my mind lately.

We attended the local MAsT meeting yesterday. i was really disappointed that there wasn’t one familiar person there. i was hoping we’d know at least one person. Nope. The other thing that bothered me was that there didn’t seem to be a single M/s couple there in similar circumstances to us. i could be wrong about that, because we didn’t talk to everyone, but i’m pretty certain. We seemed to be the only heterosexual, male-dom/fem-sub, monogamous, M/s couple, who lived together and also had small children. i would have been happy if any other couple there had a combination of any three of those similarities (i didn’t expect to find folks JUST like us). Most of the couples there didn’t even seem to live together, and i don’t care what anyone says – that’s a different dynamic. Period.

On the other hand, everyone was really nice. The material was okay (it wasn’t something that the Boss and i struggle with, but it was good information). It was a nice drive. We had a sitter and we were able to be adults for a while. We got to meet a few new people, and i imagine that unless the Boss changes his mind, we’ll attend next month, too. We were also invited to join the email list for the play party schedule that the presenters host each month – so that was super cool.

One thing that i did glean from the information presented at the meeting was that my ‘love’ style (or the way in which my emotional bank is filled) is through “quality time”. There was a bit of dissension about what quality time entails, but it was an eye opener for me.

For me, quality time is the time that the Boss’s attention is completely focused on me. It’s different from just talking, or touching, or being together, because we can talk with the TV going and the kids butting in, or touch while the world is falling down around us. We don’t need to focus on each other to be together. Being together and touching or talking (or going to the movies, or going on a walk, or whatever) is great, but does not count as “quality time” for me. For me, i need his focus to be 100% on me to have that need met.

What i CRAVE is his eyes focused on me and that look in his eyes. You know that look? It’s the look that tells me that he sees ME. To paraphrase a quote from my daughter’s all-time favorite movie, its like he’s saying, with that one look, “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you are MINE.”

Not that i have ever tried heroin, but – jeeze, i gotta think that’s what it’s like. i need it. i crave it. i am tempted to act out to see it. That’s my idea of quality time. That’s where i get my cookies. It’s the point and time where the Boss focuses those deep blues on me, and speaks to me with intent. Sometimes the ‘fix’ will only last for a moment (like just after i’ve become comfortable and he tells me to get up and get him something), and sometimes it will last an hour or more (like when we’re playing).

Those are the times i live for. Those are the times that refill my cup, and lead me to that place where it’s the easiest thing in the world for me to notice something that i could be doing for him. Proactive service (which is where he gets his emotional cup filled, by the way) is second nature to me when my emotional cup is filled.

i think that’s why i’ve become such a masochist. There’s been a conditioning over the years whereby if i take “X” amount of pain, i will gain “Y” amount of focused attention. Its worth it. Its worth it and my body has learned to crave that “X” in order to get “Y”. Behavior modification – for the win. Now that i see it, i’m pretty sure it would work with anything. i imagine i would crawl through broken glass to have that need met.

This is handy information for the Boss. i’m not sure how, or even IF, he’s going to use it against me. He tends to resist acting on anything i suggest.

i think it could be an awesome tool for training this slave, though. Good bitch. Here’s your cookie. Heh.

Daily Entry

Sadistic is you eating pepperoni while i am hungry and dieting. That’s just mean.

The diet thing is tougher sometimes than others. Today was a difficult day in general. We were thrown curve ball after curve ball, and my stress level was pretty high all day long. That is a recipe for a hungry me. Not to mention i am just a hungry, hungry me anyway. Seriously.

i’m a little stressed over the messy house and all the things we need to accomplish tomorrow.

i’m looking forward to the MAsT meeting. i’m really excited about going. i hope we see some folks we know. i’m sorry we don’t have sitters so that i can go watch the Pats with you on Sunday. i’m super, super sorry about the job. Those rat bastards.

The most stressful thing for me today was that you seemed to have a hard time leading. i know you were thrown what with everything that went on this morning, but if i’m going to be honest – that’s the truth. It’s really hard for me when you seem to be at a loss. It felt like you couldn’t decide what you wanted to do, or what would be the best course. Granted, i think that ended around 3:00 or so, but it kind of jacked up the day for me.

The best thing today was sitting near you on the couch, watching DVR’d TV, and being like broccoli. That was nice. The boys crawling all over me was interesting. i can’t help but wonder why they don’t use you as a junlge gym more often. Maybe i’m just a lot softer, so i’m more comfortable or something.

i slept great last night. Awesome sex will do that to me. Plus, i think you making me lay off the caffeine so much has helped a lot, too. i thought i needed it (and it DID save my ass when i was getting even less sleep than i do now), but i think it messed up the sleep that i WAS getting to the point that i never felt rested – even when i would get a full night’s sleep. Go you!

Tomorrow we kind of talked to death. We have lots going on, but i think you already know it all.

i’m annoyed with Firefox for messing up my settings with its auto-upgrade.

i love you. i’m glad it’s Friday and that you’re home. i miss you so much when you’re gone. But, you’re out of the shower now, and i think i covered everything you wanted me to cover.

Daily Entry

Okay, since you’re home and laying right beside me (and there are things i’d MUCH rather be doing right now) i’ll try and hit all the points you want me to as quickly as possible.

It was a good day. The baby is teething. He’s using his words to tell me, which is so sweet, but sad too. Poor little guy.

i’m still feeling disorganized. i did a little list-making this afternoon and that always makes me feel better about that sort of thing.

You coming home is the best thing about today, and the worst thing about today was how frazzled i felt. i’m still doing good with the diet and exercise. Go me. Day three, and i’m eating what you told me to eat, recording it all, and checking with you if there’s a problem with anything. The walking DVD felt a little harder today, cause i was stiff. i guess its working after all.

Tomorrow we need to grocery shop, and i need to finish the list for that. It’d be way easier if we had a printer hooked up somewhere in the house. The 17yo has school, the 19yo works, my dad’s got nothing going on, and as far as we know your interview isn’t tomorrow. i do need to finish up some laundry, but i got a ton of it done today. i’m supposed to make waffles in the morning… for what it’s worth.

i love you.

Daily Entry

Hooookay. What’s on my mind tonight? Hmmmm.

You are such a sadist. i wish i could take a night off for braindeadedness now and again.

i guess i’ll start with my day. The baby is such a pill lately. Now that he’s found the stairs, there is NO stopping him. i think we may just have to say ’screw it’ and drill holes into the walls at the base of the stairs and mount a gate. It’ll jack up the wood, but he must have found a way to escape one of us half a dozen times today. Twice he made it all the way up to the top of the stairs. No landing… just a long-ass flight of stairs and a hard wood landing if he were to fall. He is relentless.

It was nice to have the 22yo up for dinner again tonight. It was a blast to do the Singstar thing. What i lack in talent, i make up for in volume. i may not sing well, but i sing LOUD, damn it! It really was a lot of fun, and the girls were really good about letting the boys play along. The 2yo has the soul of a rocker. You should have seen him.

i did the two-mile walk DVD this morning. It’s an okay workout. Not even close to the freakin tae bo, but i used the little two-pound weights, and i’m sure it did some good. i need to find something between the walking DVD and the Extreme Tae Bo workout. Tomorrow i’ll do the walking one again, though – because it’s just simpler than trying to do complex moves with the boys all up in my business. At least today it was easier. Maybe they just need to get used to it.

The diet was harder today. i tried to stay away from the caffeine more (as per your instructions) and i think that jacked me up some. i got hungry today. Also, i am just burning more calories, too. i don’t know. It certainly wasn’t unbearable. Being a little hungry isn’t the worst thing.

It kinda felt like it at the time though. Heh.

i’m so discombobulated. i guess it’s the diet tracking and extra time for the work-outs… maybe it’s just the change in my routine (which you know is hard for me), but i can’t seem to get anything done! i had a talk with the 17yo about the laundry situation. i did three loads of laundry and MAYBE half a load of it was mine and the boys – the other 2.5 loads of laundry was teenaged girl stuff. It took most of the day to sort through the disaster they left in the laundry room. We need a better system. i want to blame the 19yo since we didn’t have this problem before she moved back home, but who knows? The 17yo was unwilling to lay blame on her sister (and THAT’S an unlikely thing) so i have to believe it’s not all her fault.

Tomorrow i’ll talk to her about it, too. Then i’ll do some of OUR laundry, because we need it!

i’m really excited about your job prospect, and also about going to the MAsT meeting on Saturday. This is a big weekend for us. i’m stoked.

Tomorrow: i need to go to the grocery store before the 19yo leaves for school at noon. i’d like to get my work out done, and then shower and go – getting back before noon, but if that’s not possible (and it may not be, depending on the boys, my dad and everything) i’ll give her a small list and send her.

The 17yo has school. Fish is on the menu, and it should just be me, the boys, my dad and the 17yo.

i have to do those tasks for you (the work laundry, the candles and stuff), i need to clean our room, work on other laundry, and make sure the house is in order before you get home around 9:30 tomorrow night.

The 17yo gave me a book and i am dying to start it. i know. i know. Duma Key. i am enjoying it, too. My reading lust is greater than my free time.

i’m so, so, so glad you’re coming home tomorrow. i miss you so much. i need you. i want you. i love you.

Daily Entry

It’s been interesting anyway.

Thank you for giving me a pass last night on the entry. i was so exhausted that i really couldn’t keep my eyes open.

Sunday night was bad. It was the worst for me. You were so, so, so angry (over something that you normally would never have been)… and just totally over-reacted. The physical punishment would have hurt and angered me as it was, but ignoring me all night (as well) was too much. i felt horrible. i really hated you for a while. Seriously.

i’m glad that you eventually apologized, but i wish you would have said something first thing on Monday once you realized that you’d gone too far. My ass will heal, but my feelings are going to be raw for a long time. That’s a trust-thing right there. i trust that you aren’t going to lose it on me. i have to be able to trust that. i don’t know. It was just very bad.

As bad as that was, i had a wonderful time going out with you, D and t. Bowling was so much fun, and i enjoyed the dinner, drinks, the walk, and sitting and visiting until it got to be too late. It was just what the doctor ordered, and i’m glad it was ruined by the previous night. The worst part was that i literally had not slept AT ALL the night before. i was just too upset and i just sat awake with the bedroom lights on all night. Well, i kind of leaned on my side (not sitting on my butt), but you know what i mean.

By the time we got home last night i was so exhausted that i was falling asleep on the drive back up the mountain. My eyes just would not stay open. i do appreciate you letting me go to bed without having to stay up and write-up an entry.

i didn’t get a ton of sleep last night, but while i slept it was like the dead. i needed it. It was a restorative sleep, and i don’t often feel like i get those.

Today was a busy-freakin’ day! Getting the girls off, doing my work-out, going shopping with the boys (and no other adult!), getting everyone lunch, having the 22yo over, making a big dinner, keeping track of all my food for you, and staying on diet! Getting the boys bathed and ready for bed, and talking with you about Sunday night over IMs…Wow. i’m more tired just remembering it. The baby was such a pill today, too. i’m going to blame his molars.

He was my most frustrating of the day. Realizing that 1200 calories won’t be as hard as i imagined it would was an “aha!” moment. It was the first time i thought i might not fail at this. i want to succeed so badly. Also? The 17yo was a rock star and helped above and beyond tonight.

Tomorrow: The 19yo is staying in the valley over tonight and until she has to work up here tomorrow at 5:00. The 17yo has school. The 22yo is coming back up to drop off my dad’s dog (post-op) and she’ll be here right at dinnertime (surprise!) i have a bunch of cleaning and organizing to do. Every room of the house needs a good cleaning. The laundry is scary. i didn’t hit on any of my “this-week tasks” you sent me this morning, so i need to get started on those. i need to work-out, track my food and stay on diet. My dad wants me to call his cell-phone company and see what’s going on with his billing.

He was all paid up last month and now he has two-month’s worth due. i looked at the bill and couldn’t figure out what happened. In an effort to “go green” they stopped printing up account activity reports. Laziness disguised as political correctness – FTW.

Anyway… i think that’s that. Oh! i decided, since i don’t need the pills for birth control – just for hormone control – i’m not going to take them daily. i think the dose is too high. i’m going to try for every other day and see how that goes. It’s been working and the sick-in-my tummy feeling has been gone since i stopped taking them daily. Unless you see a reason why you want me to do something else, i’m going to go with that.

i love you so much. i’m so glad its a short week! Two more days and you’ll be back home. i still have everything crossed that you get that job closer-to-home. A new vehicle, new laptop, new blackberry, corner office, quarterly bonus, you get to be the boss of the entire office, AND be home every single night?!? Oh please, oh please, ohpleaseohpleaseohplease… Interview on Friday. You really deserve this. i might not have felt that way a year ago, but i sure do now. You could rock that job.

Daily Entry

Change is so hard for me. i never knew this about myself until we had the 2yo and had to come up with solutions for helping him cope with stuff. He has a hard time with change, too.

i’m really glad the phone call went so well about the job, and i’m super sorry that there’s going to be at least a week’s wait for the actual interview. i know how anxious you are about it. i know it’s your ideal job. i’m crossing everything i can cross.

i do have some stress-feelings about you getting the job (as well as some over the possibility that you won’t get the job). Right now your company is so large and stable – i know that as long as you do-your-thing your job is safe. i have some worry that you might get this new job and they decide to close the office, or maybe in the old, familiar setting of a small office (with you running the entire show – no less) that you might slip back into bad habits. i don’t know. i just always worry about change.

The idea of the ex living in that little cabin across the way? Change. It makes me feel nervous, too. i’m not even sure why, really. i know it’ll be good for the girls, and good for him. It’ll just take some time for me to wrap my head around it.

The diet? Change. i’m sorry i forgot to write out the menu stuff earlier. Even though you excused me from doing it tonight, i did it anyway before starting my entry. i felt really guilty, and i am sorry. Looking at each day, and the items on the list for each day… i guess it doesn’t seem so complicated. There are some things on there that i don’t eat. Grapefruit leaps to mind. Blucko. It really does look like a TINY amount of food each day. i guess i’ll get used to that. i’m not feeling sick about it anymore, at least.

i found a tae bo exercise routine On Demand that looks pretty fun and difficult (for me, anyway). Maybe you could take a peek at it tomorrow and see if it will suit your purposes. i’d prefer not to change routines too often (if that’s okay with you) just because i’m soooo uncoordinated. It takes me forever to learn a new routine.

i know i’m supposed to start everything ‘this week’, but does ‘this week’ start tomorrow? Oy. i should have asked before now. i’m a doofus.

i will say that i skipped my freakin’ BC pill this morning, thinking i’d take it tonight. i haven’t taken it tonight yet, but this is the first night since i started those pills that i don’t feel sick. i’m not sure what to make of that. i wonder if i will just get used to them, or if the dosage is too big or something? It makes me not want to take tonight’s pill.

i hope, like anything, that the baby sleeps all night tonight. He looks like a ghost – he’s so pale and tired looking. It makes me worry about him. Maybe tomorrow we can take him out and let him run wild in the sunshine for a little while (before we leave for our thing). He could use some fresh air and sunshine, and it’s supposed to be cool again tomorrow. i just worry.

You need some sleep tonight, too. i seriously appreciate that you get up with the little tyrant when you’re home, but you’re looking a little wan yourself.

Today was a better day than i’ve been having. i’m not sure if we can attribute that to the lack of pill or what. Tomorrow i need to make the grocery list (and we HAVE to shop tomorrow – we’re out of everything). In fact, i think we’ll need to do a quick run before we leave tomorrow to pick things up for my dad, the girls and the boys. i’m not sure there are enough supplies in the house for them to manage while we go bowling, out to dinner and then grocery shop for the week.

We’ll also need to get things cleaned-up and organized for the girls. They won’t manage any more than bub-watching while we’re gone, and things will be enough of a disaster when we get home anyway.

i’d like to take a little bit of extra time to get myself ready so that you’re proud of me.

i think that’s everything for tomorrow.

i adore you. i’m so glad you’re home. i’m so glad for the extra weekend day. i DO want you to get this new job (change, worry or no)… having you home every night would be worth a bad case of nerves for a while. You’re everything to me.

Daily Entry

Well, i guess the big news of the day would be that nearly local job opportunity – wouldn’t it? i’m excited and trying not to be excited. If it really is the same set-up that E had…. OMG! That would be so prefect for you. i’m keeping everything crossed that i have to cross that this is as great a chance as it could be, and that it works out for us. To have you home each night? Perfection.

i’m sorry i’ve been so moody. Maybe it’s the dynamic, maybe it’s the hormones, maybe it’s just a bad case of cabin/mommy fever… i don’t know. i feel pretty out of control. i wasn’t even pleased with the idea that you plan to beat me tonight. THAT’S not like me.

Thank you so much for the help with the house. You’re a rockstar. You are MY white knight.

i enjoyed getting out, even though was at the point where i didn’t even want to go anymore. i’m not sure if you’ll understand this or not, ’cause it’s kind of a ‘depression’ thing, but there’s a moment where you can see yourself sliding down the slope, and maybe you COULD catch yourself. Later, you get to the point where you’re just too far down already, and even when you see a handhold it seems like too much effort to reach out and grab it.

i was past the point of latching on to a handhold his afternoon. i’d just gotten too far into my funk. i honestly didn’t even want to take a shower, let alone get myself ready, leave the house and go shopping. It just felt like too much effort for something that didn’t even sound fun at that point.

Now, i’m glad you made me go. At the time, i was really ticked off that you made me. i was mostly mad that you seemed mad, even though i KNEW you had good reason to be annoyed with my pissy attitude.

How can i be forty and still be angsty? So unfair.

i was really happy that you liked the little surprises i found for you.

It was a lot of fun to play cars with the boys on the new road-rug. i’m glad i decided to spend some of my mad-money on that. They were really cute with it.

i feel odd about the ex looking at the cabin across our driveway. i’ll feel a LOT better about it if you start working nearby and sleeping at home each night. i have a hard time believing he wont get it if he wants it. It will be weird seeing him each day. Maybe i’m making too much out of nothing, but it gives me the willies.

i still feel yucky/excited about the diet. Mostly, right now, i feel yucky. i wish i knew what was wrong with my attitude.

Tomorrow: My dad will go to church. The 17yo works a morning shift, and the 19yo works an evening shift. The ex is stopping by at 2:00 to look at the cabin. You’re taking the phone call regarding the job. i need to look at the diet you sent me, and make a menu/shopping list.

i’m really tired, too warm, feeling emo, and a little sick to my tummy. Sorry i’m not teh sexors, Sir. i love you, though. i appreciate you, so much.

Daily Entry

i’m all kinds of disgruntled and stuff.

This daily-with-no-exceptions thing is a pain in the tookus.

i need a break from the kids, a way to refresh my mind, and come home with better energy than when i left. i just need to sharpen the saw. You know?

The most frustrating thing about today? Me. My crappy attitude that i can’t seem to shake.

The most important and defining moment? i have no idea. How about “i didn’t run, screaming and yelling, from the house for parts unknown – never to return”? It’s just been one of those weeks.

Here’s my fantasy. Are your ready for it? The house is perfectly clean, i have mad money in my pocketbook, i take the car down the mountain for some browsing, i come home to a house that’s still clean, i give myself a pedicure without two boys all up in my business, the house isn’t a million degrees, we have a nice dinner that i didn’t have to cook, i have a long soak in the tub with a book and a glass of wine, you beat my ass black and blue and then i fall into a comatose state for about ten hours. Tada! An impossible fantasy AND the worlds longest run-on sentence, all in one. Go me.

Anyway. i think this qualifies as my daily entry.

Oh wait.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow we need to go grocery shopping and i would sincerely like to clean the house before it gets too hot. i need to make the menu and shopping list. The girls both work, but i’m not sure of their hours. i know the 19yo works the morning shift, but no idea of the 17yo’s shift. Great mom, me, huh? Ummmm… i don’t think my dad has anything going on. It’s still going to be hot as blazes. i have to finish my dad’s laundry. i think that’s it.

i’m sorry my gruntle is all messed up. i love you.